can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
