why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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