Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
