I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
