I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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