can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
