Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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