I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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