I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
