Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I want her autograph on my taint
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
