I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
