I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
