I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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