The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
