I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
