I hate all girls vehemently.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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