I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
