i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
