were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
