I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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