I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
