my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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