i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Welp...herpes.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
