Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
