so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
