He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Alive.
So much puke
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
