I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I love you. Go after that dick
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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