Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
