Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
