I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
