im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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