I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
