I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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