I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
