I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
