I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
