didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
