so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
