I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
