I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We just shotgunned beers for America
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
