Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
