I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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