Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
