I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
