dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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