i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
