Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
