Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize