HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
