awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
