why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we're making bets on your personal life
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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