When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
