Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
