Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
