i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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