My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
