So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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