Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
