life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
