I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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